Sex After Pregnancy ~ or ~ “Will I Ever Have Sex Again?” By Deanna Joseph
	In our society beauty and sexuality are important to say the least.  In fact, you could even say they were coveted.   Every woman strives to fit into the archetypal mold of the Goddess Aphrodite.  And the fact is, when we feel sexual, we feel vital and alive.  So, what happens when sexual beings start families?  What happens when the babies come along?    Many of us loose our sexual drive.  And this loss of sexual appetite can be due to hormonal changes, physical exhaustion and can even be emotional in nature.   Sex can even become routine and boring.    And with only fleeting or stolen moments available to make love, sex can also loose it’s excitement.    My husband was 35 years old and I was 30 years old when I became pregnant with our first child.  We had been married for over 5 years and had a wonderfully fulfilling sexual relationship.  In fact, I could go beyond “fulfilling” and dare to say “exciting.”  We had married when we were in our twenties, full of youth and vigor.  To further charge up our sex life, we played in a rock band, where I took great pleasure in dressing provocatively.  It was very exciting to be in a situation where other men admired me; and have my husband witness this adoration.  He was turned on as well because other men wanted me.  Thus was the first part of our marriage spent in excitement and wild abandon. Then along came our first child.  I fell into the mothering role pretty easily and blissfully.  I was breastfeeding, and had a wonderful support system.  So between the excellent nurturing I received, and the hormones released through breastfeeding, my stress level was very manageable for the first six months.  And though we had gone from having sex two or three times a week to maybe having it once every two weeks, it was still good, though definitely not the wild pre-baby sex we once enjoyed. Then two years and three months later we had our second baby.  My stress level sky rocketed.  It was very difficult for me to be the kind of mother I had been the first time around.   I was continually exhausted, and grateful if I even managed to get four hours of continuous sleep during the night.   Our sex life practically disappeared.  I spent the next three years recoiling from having my breasts touched by my husband, and I didn’t want to even cuddle with him at bedtime.  I was giving all my energy to the children during the day and couldn’t stand to have my energy depleted at night when he got home from work.   To top it off, he assumed that I would once again be the rock-star-love-diva he once knew.  He honestly wondered what was keeping me from changing back into the wanton sex goddess I’d been, and couldn’t understand my need to just be left alone when at all possible.   The constant pressure to have sex made me cringe.   And this was in a good marriage.  I could not even imagine how couples in a rocky marriage survived.   The only thing that kept me sane was that we had pretty good communication.  My husband could understand my need to not be touched – it didn’t mean he was happy with it, but at least he could understand it.  Now that the kids are getting older (4 years and 6 years) we are finally able to work in a bit more time for intimacy, though I doubt the black lace crotchless body suit will be coming out any time soon. There are many reasons that sex may not be resumed for a while after the baby comes.   Right after birth, for example, no one expects a woman to become sexually active.  In fact most doctors advise to wait at least six weeks before resuming sexual activities.  This can be a great relief to many mothers, though it may be a reason for brooding among many fathers, who may not have had sex since the seventh or eighth month of their partner’s pregnancy and they are “eagerly awaiting the opportunity to make love again.”1    The first six weeks may drag by for the father, yet for the mother fly by all too quickly.      Once the baby reaches six weeks of age it can be a very stressful time for the new parents.  Suddenly the new mother is expected to be the sexual being she was before pregnancy and birth; in fact, her doctor told her it was fine to resume sex.   But many women are still not ready to take this step.  They may be exhausted, and find it impossible to make love without thinking of their infant.  And nothing puts a damper on sexual desire like thinking of a baby.  And because of the physical changes the new mom has gone through she may not feel sexy.   It can be tough to get turned on when none of your old clothes fit you and your breasts are leaking milk all the time.   Then because of his wife’s lack of interest, the new father may feel that he is being rejected, and that if he were man enough, his wife would not be able to keep her hands off of him.   A woman’s hormones may also diminish her sex drive, especially if she is breastfeeding.  Of course, studies also show that breastfeeding can increase the sex drive, so it just depends on the woman, and the amount of breastfeeding and mothering support she receives from her partner.2   Breastfeeding an infant all day and all night may also make the new mother feel “untouchable,” and who wouldn’t feel that way when technically a breastfeeding mother is an open-all-night-diner for her baby.  It may also be very difficult for the new father to come to terms with the fact that now the breasts are off limits.  They become something to be admired from a distance and are no longer his play things, but a source of comfort and security for the new baby.3   Hormonal changes can also play a part in postpartum depression, which will in turn greatly decrease the sex drive.  Many times postpartum depression can be treated through nutrition, nurturing and support.  So the more supportive and nurturing the father is, the more likely he is to see the light at the end of tunnel in regard to ever having sex again.  For any woman, not just the new mother, foreplay starts at least 12 hours before the actual act of making love.  That is something for fathers to keep in mind when mom is highly stressed in the middle of the day.  If a new mom is frazzled all day long, the likely-hood of her desiring sex that night is pretty minimal. As the family bed becomes more and more popular in our society, it also presents couples with the challenge of not only finding the time for making love, but also the place.  Many couples opt for the couch or living room floor.  And let’s not forget the kitchen table.  The more creative the better, especially since most parents are already exhausted, and love making may not last long.   “Psychological experts propose that loss of intimacy postpartum is rooted in the loss of privacy as a couple.”4   And unfortunately, privacy is something that parents loose not only postpartum, but for at least the next 18 years following the birth.  So the more creative and interesting the love making, the more satisfying to both partners. Physical exhaustion also decreases the sex drive.  New parents rarely sleep.  In fact, whoever said “sleeps like a baby” obviously didn’t have a baby.  Unless “sleeping like a baby” is to be understood as “waking up crying every two hours.”   Though as a shameless plug for breastfeeding and the family bed, I do have to mention breastfeeding and co-sleeping parents do tend to get much more sleep than parents of formula fed babies or non-co-sleeping families.   But the fact is who can have sex when they are exhausted?  Okay, probably just about any man.  But having sex is going to be the last thing on the mind of an exhausted mother.  Most likely the moment the baby falls asleep mom is going to want to catch a nap. Something very important that parents need to consider after having a baby is that the mother-baby attachment will be much stronger if the marriage is strong already. 5  If there were sexual problems before the birth of the baby you can bet there will be sexual problems after the baby comes along.   Strengthening and nurturing the marriage while bonding with the new baby is now a priority.  This means taking time for each other.  A couple can still be intimate without actually having coitus.    Because most men show their love by making love, this can prove to be a bit of a challenge for a new father.  But there are many ways to show the new mom love and affection.   A relaxing bath and a foot rub can be highly intimate and comforting to an exhausted mother.  Husbands would do well to ask their spouses for any ideas on displaying affection.  Fathers may find out that a trip to the local 31 Flavors for her favorite ice-cream will shoot him right to the top of her “hero” list.    In a society where vitality and sexuality are highly valued, a new mother may feel more dowdy than sexual.  But mothers can still be sexual and alluring.  After all, the Goddess Aphrodite was also a mother.  Women definitely change after the children come along and more than ever they are nurturers and caregivers.  But only the appearance of sensuality changes.  Maybe the new parents no longer have sex three or four times a week; but they can allow themselves to feel deeply intimate with each other.  “Not to be trite, but love is the key to making this adjustment.”6
	Bibliography 1 Special Delivery by Rahima Baldwin Dancy 2 The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League International 3 Just Don’t Touch My Breasts! – Mothering Magazine – Jan/Feb 2000 4 Hearts and Hands – A Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy and Birth by Elizabeth Davis 5 The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding by La Leche League International 6 Hearts and Hands – A Midwife’s Guide to Pregnancy and Birth by Elizabeth Davis © Deanna Joseph 2003
	Back to Articles
	Home